One of the classes I am teaching is a master's level lecture/lab class all rolled into one five hour session per week. It is quite a challenge to fit the lab into that time frame, not because 5 hours isn't enough time, but because the class only meets once per week. When planning the syllabus, I thought five hours would be plenty of time, and I arranged it so that the class would be finished in time for me to get my daughter off the school bus. Well, I was being naïve. The first class went over by half an hour; the second class went over by an hour, and the third class went over by 3 hours. Three hours! Not because I took too long; in fact, on week 3 I only gave a very brief lecture in which I went into extreme detail about the day's exercises. I wrote out a summary, explained it verbally, and demonstrated what was to be done. And yet it still took 8 hours. For some perspective, if I had to do that particular technique, it would have taken me 20 minutes.

At 2:30- which is when the class is supposed to end- one of the student came up to me to clarify the details of the protocol. This was five hours into the class, when I expected everyone to be done. He hadn't even started. I have no idea what he was doing for that whole five hours; he looked busy; but busy doing what?

As frustrating and tiring as that was, the real worry for me is that this week 3 exercise was just setting up our cell cultures for week 4. Just plating the cells. Nothing else. My students will have to plate their cells every week, and do the experiment as well. How am I possibly going to get it done? I am more than a little bit concerned.

The other problem I have is with the laboratory notebook. They are using lab notebooks that have duplicate pages, and hand in the pages from that day at the end of lab each day. My problem is that the pages are too neat. I know, as I am working with them, that they don't always get the calculations right the first time. Yet I don't see this in their notebook. Often I see them taking notes on scraps of paper, and then copying into their lab notebooks at the end of the day (which kept me 20 minutes late, week 2). I have told them that under no circumstance are they to do this; that I want them to write everything directly into the lab notebook, that it has to be legible but not pretty. They will each hand in formal reports as they finish each experiment; the lab notebook, as we all know, is a record of their progress, but not a formal presentation of the data. And yet they are fixated on the neatness factor. They protest "But I don't have the results yet!" Last week I crumpled up and threw away one girls' notes. This week I fear that I am going to have to be even more dramatic; I am going to forbid any other notebooks or papers in class, and I am going to have to tell them I will deduct points each time I see them writing on scrap papers. They are always asking "How many points is this worth?" of "Is this on the quiz" (Which is an irritating question because as I have told them over and over… there are no quizzes. To me it is more important they get the technique and understand how to interpret the data.), so this tactic should make an impression.

Sigh.

I allow my students to email me their assignments.  Many of them choose this option, not because they are environmentally conscious paper conserving earth helpers, but  because they are apparently incapable of reading the syllabus or listening when I warn them in advance of assignment due dates.  My policy is that if I receive the document before the end of the day, then I will not mark it late.  This makes me feel generous, and it makes them not fail the class.  It is a win-win situation.

But sometimes it is actually quite tedious to have to grade digital documents; and I really hate to have to print them all myself.  One day I was browsing at Staples and I saw the    Wacom bamboo fun digital pen tablet, and my imagination immediately ran away with me.  Oh the possibilities!  I could write comments as if I was using a pen a paper!  I could slash those digital documents apart with the same gusto that I use my red ball point pen! And then, I could use it to draw and edit photos... what fun!!!

I am not one to buy things spur of the moment, not these kinds of technological things; so I went home and did some research and found out that it was a pretty nifty device- not the most high tech version, but probably sufficient for someone like me.  So I went back and bought one.

That was a week ago.  Since then, I've been trying to get it to work.  The problem is that I can't install it on the laptop I use for my classes- it belongs to the school and I don't have the appropriate priveleges; and I just haven't had time to go to the help desk and get them to do it.  In the meantime I installed it on my personal computer and have begun to play with it.  I was so excited; but after a couple of hours,  I am losing my enthusiasm. It doesn't quite work the way I imagined; writing with the pen seems a bit awkward.  Perhaps practice will make perfect; I don't know.  I just haven't had the time.

So, the assignments languish in my inbox.  I will not grade them until I get this damn thing working.  It is so disappointing.  I had such high expectations.  Sigh.

So I do have to cancel one of my sections, and combine them into one. The question is... which do I keep?  Which do I cancel?

One is at night- going until rather late into the night- and one is during the day.

The day time section fits my schedule such that I can get my girls to school/ daycare; go to class; and then get home in time to get them home from school/ daycare.

The night time section requires me to make alternative arrangements for childcare; also, it goes late into the night, rather past my bedtime.

Guess which section I'd rather cancel?

So what is the problem?   One student.  There is one student who is part time and is possibly not available to come in during the day.  Canceling the night time section could cause major problems for that student.

But, there are other classes. However, this masters level class is part of a masters program that originally started out as an evening program for part timers; so it is sort of a policy to keep evening classes available.  However, everyone else is actually a full time student and can come during the day.  Plus, there aren't other classes on that day that would cause scheduling conflicts for them (we all use the same lab, so that prevents any overlap!) And who knows, maybe this one student could come during the day, too.

... so do I just say screw it and cancel the evening class and let that one student fend for themself?

If I don't decide soon I won't be able to notify them in time to make sure they all know to come (or not) at the correct time!

I emailed this student to ask them to contact me ASAP; but seeing as they haven't responded to my other emails, and this is a holiday weekend, I don't hold high hopes for hearing from them in time.

Won't someone just make the decision for me, the one that I want, so that I don't have to feel guilty over screwing over this one student?

To some extent our gender will always affect our work; that isn't sexism, that is life. My husband didn't have to carry around 30 extra pounds, run to the bathroom every hour, or modify his work practices to avoid exposure of our unborn baby to hazardous chemicals or radioactive substances. He didn't have to write detailed to-do lists at the end of every day just in case he went into labor that night, and he didn't have to stay out of work for 6 weeks after finally giving birth. He didn't have to drive to work exhausted after being woken three times during the night to breastfeed an infant, and then stop what he was doing twice a day to go pump. As much as we might not want them to, these things do impact your career. And that, right there, is the problem; not that they impact your career, but that we don't accept that they will.

The fact is, when I was a technician and then a graduate student, there were very few women in tenure track faculty positions at my university. As a technician, I worked for the only female faculty member in the whole department. The whole OB/GYN department! While I was there she was undergoing all sorts of hormone treatments in an ultimately futile attempt to get pregnant- she had put it off until it was too late. Later, as a graduate student in a different department, things were a little bit better. There was not one, but two female faculty. Neither of them had children.

All of the married men did.

However, in my class, in my department, there were only female students. In our program as a whole, the majority were female. That is a trend that has continued. My graduate lab had a male PI… and the rest of us were female. My current post-doc lab finds itself in the same situation. In a way, that is hopeful; so many women being trained, some of them must succeed. The problem is this: the reason there were no men was because they all went out and got jobs.

The women, though equally talented, had more to worry about: their spouse's career; the extra time it took to have children; geographical limitations. It's nice to say "don't let these things impact your career choices" but the reality is that they do. I'm sure I would have a faculty job right now, maybe not at Major Research University, but certainly at Small Liberal Arts College… if I was willing to move. But I'm not. And I still have to reassure myself that That is OK. I am driven; I do long for success; I applaud those who have achieved it; but don't denigrate me for the sacrifices I chose to make. Because it is a sacrifice.

The hardest thing about it is not looking at it as a failure. It's not that I have failed to get a job… it is that I have succeeded to make a Home.

The other kind of discrimination that really gets to me, and no one talks about, is career discrimination: the idea that of these alternative careers (by which I mean, anything other than a full time tenure track position at MRU) is really just the backup when you fail to get a 'real' job. When I tell my PI "I made the top four for this faculty position at small college" and he responds with the completely unenthusiastic "Oh. Well, it's too bad you'll be leaving science now", I cringe. Gender discrimination stinks, but career discrimination affects us all. We need to understand that there are many different definitions of success; we need to embrace our strengths and let them take us to the best path for ourselves. We need to understand what it takes to be a successful scientist/mother, and then define that as success. Then the guilt and strings will stop holding us back, and we can be free to work on removing those gender gaps.

I am worried about one of my students. (S)he has missed their third class, today- the limit for the semester. This unmotivated student (UMS) has therefore missed one of four in lab quizzes, not to mention a very thorough analysis of the data we've collected over the past several weeks- data which will be used to write the formal lab report, which is worth almost half of their entire grade.

UMS just received a mid term warning that their grade, as of last week, was a D+. I am afraid, after missing class this week, that there is no way to improve upon that; I just don't think it is possible for UMS to work through the data on their own, and an unexcused absence doesn't require- or inspire- make-up time.

I have no experience with this sort of situation. This first-year student is obviously struggling- due to a lack of motivation, poor work ethic, or other problems, and I hope this doesn't scar them- or their record- forever, but...

if they won't do the work, I can't do it for them.

I may have to suggest to UMS that they withdraw for the semester and take the class again in the spring.

I think this is the most frustrating aspect of my teaching experience so far. No, I take that back. The most frustrating thing is when you have a student who really wants to get it... but doesn't. This UMS is frustrating, also, but in an irritating- trying to be patient but I feel like I'm wasting my time- sort of way.

And then I get annoyed that I am irritated, because I should be better then that.

So I think I will take my annoyingly irritated and frustrated I'm only human self and go have a glass of wine and try to find a t.v. channel that is not talking about the election. Because I am trying to wind down... not up.

Maybe I'd better read a book, instead.

I have been reading the backposts of one of my new favorite science blogs. (I worship Isis and long to be as witty and hot as she). However, this particular post made me remember an incident that occurred not long ago...

(fade to flashback)

We had just had a long lab meeting that somehow ended with my PI offering career advice to a post-bac. student who was contemplating applying to grad school. Because this career session started as a lab meeting, I, the graduate students, and the new med student who had joined our lab for the year, were all stuck listening. Having been through it myself, I occasionally piped in with a word or two of advice or witty commentary, as the topics ranged from the application process, picking a lab, passing qualifying exams, and post-PhD career options- and whether it was worth getting a PhD at all.

As we finally escaped to lab to begin our actual work for the day, the med student wandered over with a dazed look on his face. "Wow!" he exclaimed, "I never realized how complicated things were for you guys!"

Now, I wasn't yet sure if I liked this particular med student or not; he had a tendency to complain about how as an MD, he'd have to work so hard but wouldn't really make much money for many years to come. And I, in my search for career fulfillment as a late-stage post-doctoral PhD research scientist, didn't particularly feel any sympathy for him. However, I thought, maybe he is beginning to appreciate the work that PhD's do and the challenges that we face...

but no. The next words out of his mouth sealed my opinion of him- for the worse- forever...

"But at least- if worse came to worse- you guys could moonlight as technicians."

I hate my new computer.

First, I had good wireless signal, but I could not connect to the internet.

Then, I could not get my display to show up on the projector. Also, every time it starts up I have to readjust the brightness of the monitor- it's always really dark.

And now, I can't get email.

OK, OK I know that last thing is probably not related to the new computer, it is just coincidental that it occurred simultaneously with all of my other issues. However. In lab today we collected a large amount of data. No one was allowed to leave until I received two copies of their group data ( in two different formats). Since I couldn't receive email, it took a while to figure out where they could send those files.

I can send email, I just can't receive it. It is extremely frustrating. On one hand, this does explain the chirping crickets I hear every time I log into my email account. On the other hand, we all really wanted to leave- I was hungry because we worked through lunch, and they were all bitter at the pop quiz I gave them and the grades on their lab reports I handed back today.

We worked it out and we finally all got to go home. We just used the digital dropbox in blackboard. Also, right after this whole mess, I signed up to attend a workshop thursday on how to use wiki's, because it seems to me (despite my extremely vague understanding of what a wiki is) that this would have been a good time to do so.

Meantime, can someone please explain to me why I did get three junk mails but not a single other piece of email for the past five days? Arrggghhhh.

Last night, I came downstairs after tucking my girls in, determined to work on some things for a while (important things like shopping for curtains and bath fixtures). My computer appeared to be in sleep mode, so I carried it in to the family room to watch Dexter with Greg while I (ahem) worked. But the computer wouldn't boot. I kept getting error messages, and it got stuck in a cycle of shutting down and failed booting up... over and over. Greg tried to remove the hard drive and battery, then reinsert them- apparently, the hard core equivalent of "unplugging it"- but no dice. I somehow managed to get into BIOS, but since I have no idea what that is, I decided not to fool around there.

So I gave up, and first thing this morning I marched over to the IT department at PUI.

The computer booted up with no problem.

So there I was with two hours to kill before class. I decided to walk over to the library and grade my papers. As I'm walking- in my very attractive high-heeled black boots- I think to myself "Hmm, maybe I should back up my files... just in case." Once I get to the library, I find a table, dump my large book bag, large handbag, jacket, and coffee (the most important thing) at a large table, and get settled for two hours of uninterrupted productivity. I search for and find my USB drive, resolving to back up those files first... right after I check my email, because I'm waiting for some important files.

Only, I can't connect to the network. I can detect it, but I can't connect. So I fiddle around for a few minutes, trying to figure out what the problem is. And then, the computer shuts down.

Once again, I get "HDD boot failure."

So I gather up all my crap and stomp over to IT again. I show the (actually rather cute- Adrian Grenier lookalike) work-study student the error message; and he just make a little "O" with his mouth. A "this is not a good thing, I think you are F U C-screwed" "O".

My hard drive bit the dust. It wasn't spinning at all, and they couldn't recover a single file.

However, they gave me a New and Bigger one, loaded with Windows Vista!

At that point, I needed to run to class, so I asked if I could configure it myself, and they said "Sure, no problem, just let it do its thing."

So I walk back to the lab. I try to start up the computer, but I haven't been registered as a user, I don't know the admin. password, and I don't see a "Switch User" option anywhere.

It figures. I really needed my computer for this lab. So I gave the pre lab lecture completely as a chalk talk- using the hard copy I had printed of my powerpoint slides as reference, and then I hooked one of the student laptops to the projector when necessary during the lab.

It was a long lab, a full three hours, with me on my feet walking around the whole time. After it was done, I wobbled back over to IT to get them to configure the computer so that I could log on. Thirty minutes later, I limped back to my car and came home.

I've had my feet up ever since. Damn boots. What was I thinking?

And now I am setting up my new computer. Damn computers. This is the second unrecoverable crash I've had in almost as many months. After the last one I resolved to buy a portable hard drive to back up all my data. I haven't yet. Now I am determined to go buy one... first chance I get. I guess the silver lining is that... in two months, I haven't accumulated many files to lose. On the other hand, I had a second chance, and when I was in the library I should have backed up all my files first.

Argh. Computers.

How many times do you have to warn your students that blackboard will crash if you try to hit the back button on your browser or open a new window while taking an online quiz?

How many times do you have to warn your students that if they do not email reset requests before 8:00 pm, they most likely will not be accommodated?

How many times do you have to explain to your students that they don't get a second chance, and once class starts the quizzes are no longer available, will not be made available, and cannot be made up (good thing we drop the two lowest grades.)?

Grrrr.

No, I haven't been rejected. Yet. But... my express fedex package containing my application packet didn't arrive as scheduled due to a Delivery Exception.

What was the exception you ask?

Oh. Just that it is Columbus Day and the BUSINESS WAS CLOSED.

So, although I am pretty sure I will not be penalized for the fact that they made their deadline a day with NO MAIL DELIVERY and, also, did not provide an email... I am frantically trying to get ahold of someone... anyone... to confirm the imminent arrival of my application first thing tomorrow. Also, two of my letters are being emailed in, which required that I find an email to have them sent to.

However, it turns out that my graduate PI has a connection. Actually, I had a connection, but I didn't know it, so my graduate PI had to make the connection known to me. So I have emailed this person, and am now waiting anxiously to hear back from them. The clock is ticking and I keep checking my email. Every time I see the mail icon in my shortcut bar, my heart leaps into my throat but so far, no dice.

AAAAAGGGHHH! I thought I was all set, and now this stress...